Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Looking Back...

Right now, it's the beginning of my last week of college classes. I still have finals ahead of me, and graduation, but this feels like it's really the end. I had my last chapter meeting tonight and after the meeting, we had senior speeches. I can't believe that it was finally my "turn" to say my piece. Of course, instead of recapping all of the wonderful times from the last four years, I instead chose not to focus on the wonderful, or the bad (both "bad" and bad, like being betrayed by my best friend kind of bad.... which happened twice), but the "nobody wants to say these things because they don't want to be the bad guy" things, like "don't spam the Facebook group", "write down what is said at chapter", etc. Reflecting upon what my fellow seniors said, as well as some of what I have learned from my short time in the blog world, I have come to some realizations. 

While these are the "best" years of my life, they are the best yet and the best is yet to come (fingers crossed, anyways).

I am surrounded, have been surrounded, and will be surrounded by so many amazing, accomplished people. Being one of eight extremely accomplished women interviewing for the job I interviewed for last week was humbling at the least - considering the accomplishments of the women in the group, I was amazed that I was asked to interview (and very, very grateful for the chance to do so. Fingers crossed about the actual position). I need to up my game. 

That being said, my personal accomplishments seem to pale in comparison and I just do not feel as accomplished as I could or should, mostly due to my own lack of motivation. I could have gone out more, I could have studied more, I could have done more extracurriculars/jobs/internships. But I didn't, and I have to be proud of what I did do. 

I probably should have done more in college. By more I mean, go out more, go out at weird times/days of the week, go out with people I normally wouldn't have, do more average things with people (like shopping, going out to eat, or studying). Probably should have studied more, worked more, learned more. Maybe I did do enough. I'll never know..... 

I have changed so, so much since I first got to Madison. I have changed so much since the beginning of this year, or since January 1st. I am certainly more outgoing and friendly. I have developed a sense of understanding that allows me to step back and evaluate a situation and all facets of it. I learned when to fight for what I believe in and when to compromise. I have learned what I cannot tolerate in "friends" and what often turns them into acquaintances... I have learned that I need to do what makes me happy, what keeps me healthy, and what (or who) to cut out when I am not happy and healthy. I have learned, more than ever, how to thrive under pressure. I have also learned that I have a completely different sense of motivation than my peers (one my boyfriend says will thrive in the real world, whatever that means). I have learned that I need to think about what scares me instead of ignoring it, suppressing it, and sleeping to hide it. 

I have so many questions and so many experiences ahead of me. I hope that my four years in college have primed me for them. Only time will tell. I know that going forward I cannot live with regret and I must force myself to do things and have experiences that I would not get to experience if I am snuggled up in bed, watching tv. Sorry for the tone of this post - a week ago, perhaps, I would have been all excited and in love with all parts of my college experience. Unfortunately, right now, I am stressed out and have been forced into contemplating the last four years while simultaneously contemplating my future. This turning point is a big one, but not the only one. I am not ready to let go and move on, to have my friends move away and maybe never see them again. I am not ready to be a "failure" and not get a job after graduation and have to move back home where my parents will remind me of said failure every day (and tell me that I should have majored in business or something leading into the medical field). I am struggling a bit a lot with the end of the year, the end of my college career, and graduation right now. Fingers crossed it is just a passing phase of insecurity while I finish up the year. 

*Sorry for all the italics. Just wanted a way to break up the post a little..... not sure that it worked the way I wanted it to. 

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